Why Relationships Change – And How to Reconnect.

“It Used to Be So Good”

Relationships often begin with excitement, passion, and a deep sense of connection and commitment. But over time, many couples find themselves asking, “What happened to us?” This feeling of relationship drift is common, especially when Adult ADHD is part of the equation. Understanding why relationships lose their spark and how to reconnect with your partner is key to rebuilding emotional intimacy and creating a fulfilling partnership.

How Do Relationships Lose Their Spark?

The initial stages of a relationship are often fuelled by novelty and intense emotional connection – something that an ADHD brain thrives on. However, as time passes, life’s demands—work, family, and personal challenges—take their toll. For couples where one or both partners have Adult ADHD, these challenges are often magnified. ADHD symptoms such as forgetfulness, impulsivity, difficulty focusing and emotional dis-regulation can unintentionally create feelings of hurt, neglect and frustration within the relationship.

Research published in The Journal of Attention Disorders highlights that individuals with ADHD often struggle with maintaining consistent attention in relationships, leading to misunderstandings and emotional disconnection. Over time, these patterns can erode the foundation of trust and intimacy, leaving both partners feeling distant and unfulfilled. So identifying how ADHD may unwittingly be exacerbating the relational drift is key.

For many, the idea of having a neurological difference,  like ADHD, can feel like a relationship counselling plot twist that they did not see coming. For others, it can provide enormous relief to know there is a really valid reason for all the struggle and heartache.

Common Signs of Emotional Disconnection

Disconnected relationships don’t happen overnight. They often develop gradually, with subtle signs that may go unnoticed or unheard until the emotional gap feels overwhelming. Here are some common indicators:

• Loss of intimacy in long-term relationships: Physical and emotional closeness can diminish, leaving one or both partners feeling isolated.
• Frequent misunderstandings: Conversations may feel increasingly  strained, with one partner feeling unheard and the other feeling criticised.
• Avoidance of difficult topics: Partners may then avoid discussing issues to prevent conflict, leading to unresolved issues and tension.
• Uneven responsibilities: ADHD-related challenges can sometimes create an imbalance in shared tasks, causing resentment to build.

Recognizing these signs is the first step toward addressing relationship drift and taking action to reconnect with your partner.

What You Can Do to Rebuild Connection

Rebuilding connection in a relationship affected by Adult ADHD requires empathy, communication, and intentional effort. Here are some evidence-based strategies to help:

• Practice Active Empathic Listening: Research from The Gottman Institute emphasises the importance of listening to understand rather than respond. This approach fosters empathy and helps both partners feel valued.
• Create Shared Routines: ADHD thrives within structure. Collaboratively establish routines for quality time, such as weekly date nights or daily check-ins, to strengthen your bond. But don’t forget to occasional shake up the routine to keep the ADHD brain engaged!
• Focus on Positive Reinforcement: A study in Behaviour Therapy found that positive reinforcement can improve relationship satisfaction. Celebrate the small wins and express appreciation for your partner’s efforts. Genuine gratitude fuels reconnection.
• Seek Professional Guidance: Choose a therapist that suits both of you. 

When Counselling Can Help

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the challenges of relationship drift may feel too overwhelming to tackle alone. This is where counselling can make a significant difference. As a trauma-informed therapist, I can help you:

• Understand the impact of Adult ADHD on relationships.
• Release the trauma and tension that has built up.
• Develop personalised tools to navigate misunderstandings and emotional disconnection.
• Rebuild trust and intimacy in a safe, supportive environment.

Counselling can offer a space to explore your relationship dynamics without blame or guilt, empowering both partners to work toward a stronger, more fulfilling connection.

Next Steps

If you’re experiencing relationship drift or feeling the effects of disconnected relationships, know that you’re not alone. Understanding how to reconnect with your partner is a journey, but a worthwhile journey that leads to deeper intimacy and mutual growth.

Take the first step by reaching out for support. You can check out my website to learn more about my trauma-informed approach to relationship counselling. Whether you’re navigating the loss of intimacy in a long-term relationship or seeking practical strategies to rebuild connection, I can guide you toward a brighter future together.

Ready to take the next step? Book a free 15 minute zoom call with me to explore how relationship counselling can support you both.

Together we can work towards a healthier more fulfilling relationship … why wait for that?

References:

1. The Gottman Institute: Research on active listening and relationship dynamics.
2. The Journal of Attention Disorders: Insights on ADHD and its impact on relationships.
3. Behaviour Therapy: Study on positive reinforcement and relationship satisfaction.