Understanding Adult ADHD in Relationships
Have you ever felt like your relationship is a rollercoaster ride you didn’t sign up for? One moment, it’s all fun and laughter, and the next, it’s a whirlwind of misunderstandings, missed commitments, and emotional blow-ups. If this sounds familiar, undiagnosed Adult ADHD might just be the sneaky culprit behind the chaos. Understanding these traits and their impact on your relationship can help you better navigate the challenges and foster a stronger connection and ADHD Couple Therapy can help with that.
Common Challenges Couples Face with Adult ADHD
The Case of the Vanishing Keys (and Promises)
ADHD loves to mess with memory—especially working memory. This means your partner might forget where they left their phone, the thing they promised to do for you, or even the kids’ screen time rules. Sure, they might become a champion list-maker to compensate, but let’s be honest—those lists often get lost too! This can leave you feeling frustrated or like your needs are being overlooked, or worse, dismissed.
Impulsivity: Fun Until It’s Not
Remember how their spontaneous, risk-taking nature was so attractive at first? Well, that same impulsivity can lead to some not-so-great decisions, like overspending, breaking rules, or diving headfirst into risky behaviours. It’s fun… until it’s not, and you’re left dealing with the consequences, whilst they struggle to understand why you are so upset.
Messy Life, Messy Love
Adult ADHD and organisation? Not exactly best friends. Whether it’s a cluttered home or emotional messes, tidying up isn’t their forte. They might start with the best intentions, but distractions often derail their efforts, leaving you to pick up the pieces, again.
The Fidgety Brain That Never Sleeps
While some childhood ADHD might look like bouncing off the walls, Adult ADHD often turns into a restless, fidgety brain that just won’t quit. This can make it hard for them to focus, relax, or even respect boundaries when they really want something (even after you’ve said “No!” a hundred times). It can leave you feeling like your boundaries are being disrespected.
Running Late to Everything (Including Apologies)
Time management isn’t exactly an ADHD superpower. They’re often late for appointments, deadlines, and even realising their role in the latest argument. Unfortunately, this can leave you feeling unimportant, undervalued and unloved.
Little Fibs, Big Problems
ADHD can create a perfect storm for fibs and excuses. Sometimes, they genuinely don’t remember what happened, so they make up a plausible story. Other times, they’re just trying to avoid disappointing you with another shame-filled moment. Either way, your trust is broken.
Boredom vs. Hyperfocus
ADHD brains crave novelty, which means they can get bored easily. On the flip side, when they do find something they love, they might hyperfocus and lose track of time—leaving you feeling ignored or unimportant.
Arguments That Go in Circles
ADHD makes it hard to slow down and reflect, which can turn arguments into endless loops. They might struggle to see your perspective in the heat of the moment, leaving you feeling unheard and frustrated.
Emotional Overload
ADHD can make emotions hard to access and even harder to manage. This can lead to explosive tempers, stonewalling, or storming out—leaving you hurt and confused. It’s not that they don’t care; they’re just overwhelmed. That doesn’t make it ok, though!
The ADHD-Anxiety-Depression Trio
ADHD often brings along some unwelcome friends: anxiety and depression are the main side-kicks. These can amplify the chaos, making it even harder for them to manage emotions, responsibilities, and your relationship.
Sensitivity to Feedback
ADHD brains are wired to be extra sensitive to criticism, even while dishing it out themselves. This can create a cycle of hurt feelings and misunderstandings, as intentions and outcomes often don’t align, leaving you feeling stuck in a loop of miscommunication.
Creative Minds, Unfinished Projects
ADHD can spark incredible creativity, but following through? That’s another story. They might have a million brilliant ideas but struggle to complete any of them, leaving you feeling like you’re living in a world of half-finished plans, and stuck with the day to day boring chores.
Parenting Challenges
ADHD can make parenting a rollercoaster too. They might be the fun parent who struggles with discipline or the cranky parent who loses patience too quickly. Either way, you can often feel exhausted with all the responsibility.
Relational Chaos
At its core, ADHD creates internal chaos that spills into your relationship. When undiagnosed, it leaves you both struggling to find stable ground amidst the misunderstandings and emotional storms.
It’s Not Narcissism—It’s ADHD
While some ADHD traits might look narcissistic (like being self-centered or single-minded), the key difference is intention. Those with Adult ADHD genuinely want to do better—they just need help slowing down, reflecting, and connecting the dots.
Strategies to Improve Understanding, Communication and Connection when Adult ADHD is part of the dynamic.
ADHD isn’t all bad! It brings creativity, spontaneity, and a unique perspective to the table. The key is learning how to harness these strengths while minimising the challenges. And that’s where help comes in.
When to Seek Professional Help
If any of this sounds familiar, it might be time to explore how Adult ADHD could be impacting your relationship. Take Tess Reilly-Browne’s relationship-focused questionnaire found on her website to gain insights into your unique relational dynamics. Or, book a free 15-minute Zoom chat with Tess to discuss how you might create positive changes together.
Let’s turn the chaos into connection!
With appreciation to …
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and the two unknown photographers …. (feel free to let me know who you are so that I can add your links here!)
