Coercive control is a relational pattern of communication and connection that, over time, constricts your freedom, your confidence, your sense of self worth and your sense of reality.
Coercive control is like a puppet show where the puppeteer controls the puppet by pulling on their heart strings.
What is the difference between coercive control and normal relationship conflict?
It’s true, healthy couples fight. They fight over things: money, chores, sex. In coercive control, the argument is about the person. Where they go, what they do, what they wear, who they talk to, what they spend, even what they think.
Coercive control is where your admirable character traits, your thoughtfulness, your loyalty, your kindness, your consideration, your empathy, your emotional regulation and maturity, are slowly weaponised against you. You are guilted and shamed into putting your partner’s needs ahead of your own.
Coercive control turns a relationship into a dictatorship.
What are the signs of Coercive Control?
Coercive control isn’t one incident but a pattern of behaviour, where love is turned into a lie.
Here are some red flags:
- They explain jealousy as love, possessiveness as protectiveness.
- They check your phone, your messages, your social media and track your movements.
- They dictate what you wear, what you eat, who you talk to and how you spend your time.
- There is persistent criticism, humiliation or put-downs, confusingly mixed with times of affection.
- Including implied ones: that they will leave, harm themselves, take the children, hurt the children, expose something, or they simply give ’a look’ that you have learned to dread.
- They pressure, guilt or give consequences if you don’t meet their sexual ’needs’.
- They criticise your friends and family, create conflict around visits, and make socialising ’not worth the trouble’.
- They restrict your access, require receipts, sabotage your work or study, or run up debt in your name.
- They distort or deny reality so that you doubt your own memory or perception. How to recognise emotionally abusive behaviour.
- They ensure you never get it right and leave you living in a state of anxiety.
You don’t need all of these behaviours for it to be coercive control. A pattern of a few of these traits is coercive control.
Coercive control is where you are slowly being taught to tolerate intolerable situations.
Why didn’t I see this before now?
They didn’t want you to see it. If you had seen it, it wouldn’t have worked!
Nobody sees it at first. Coercive control isn’t as obvious as a slap to the face. It subtly builds over time and it’s also interwoven amongst the good moments. That creates something called intermittent reinforcement, a pivotal ingredient in toxic bonding.
If you recognise yourself here, you may also want to read about the traits that make you more attractive to an abuser. They are the same traits that make you a wonderful partner.
Coercive control is like an undercurrent, silently shifting the sands of power, whilst you are focusing on calming the waters above.
Why don't people just leave? Why don’t I?
The short, and slightly horrifying, answer: because you have been trained to be addicted to your abuser!
The intermittent reinforcement, the good times interwoven with the horrible times, literally creates an addictive toxic bond that makes it very difficult to leave.
Not to mention the very real likelihood that the coercive control will escalate when your partner feels that they are losing control of you!
I don’t mean to scare you, but it can be dangerous to leave without support.
Please gain support BEFORE you leave.
Is coercive control illegal in Australia?
Yes, increasingly so.
Although coercive control can be subtle at first, I don’t want you to dismiss it or justify it. Coercive control is a pivotal element within toxic bonds and domestic and family violence.
Thankfully the law is now recognising this form of abuse in Australia. At the time of writing it is a standalone criminal offence in several states, including New South Wales and Queensland, with others following. The laws are changing quickly, so check the current position where you live.
Even where there is no standalone offence, coercive and controlling behaviour is almost always relevant to intervention orders (called AVOs, IVOs, DVOs or FVOs depending on the state) and is directly relevant under the federal Family Law Act 1975 when courts decide parenting and property matters. That applies nationally, regardless of which state you are in.
Coercive control may not create broken bones, but it does create a broken person.
Where to get help?
If you are in immediate danger, call 000.
If you need to talk to someone right now, a good place to start is 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, or 1800respect.org.au. It is free, confidential and open 24 hours.
If you are not in danger but you know something is wrong, my small group for people leaving an emotionally immature or controlling relationship is a gentle, affordable place to start.
I am here to help you too …
To get free of this toxic bond, to heal from the trauma, and not fall victim to this form of abuse again.
I have supported so many people, women, men and young people, who have been exactly where you are right now. I would love to help you also gain clarity and support that is right for you and your situation.
Book a free chat with me here …
It’s a conversation, not a commitment.
You are totally in control of THIS conversation. We go at your pace and where you want to go, gently, safely.
You can heal.