What’s happened to us?
Where did it go wrong? Is this relationship creep … the loss of intimacy, too many fights and arguments, walking on eggshells afraid to raise an issue, carrying too much of the responsibility load? What made our relationship change? When did it change?
Could this be Adult ADHD or maybe something much worse – they aren’t who I thought they were?
Too many questions racing through your mind.
Too many feelings tearing up your heart.
Feeling so confused and lost!
If you’re reading this, I am so sorry you’re facing this reality. It’s devastating, I know. As painful as it feels right now, this moment doesn’t have to define your life or even your relationship in the long term.
Every affair or instance of infidelity is complex and unique, but here are some gentle, practical steps to help you navigate this extremely painful time.
Stop Blaming Yourself
If your partner chose to cheat, it says far more about them than it does about you. Their actions are not a reflection of your worth. They didn’t cheat because you weren’t “enough.” Often, infidelity stems from their own feelings of inadequacy or unresolved issues.
Yes, in counselling, you may explore the dynamics of your relationship that contributed to this situation, but their choice to be unfaithful is not your fault. (Say that again … out loud … THIS WASN”T MY FAULT!)
Thoughts like, “I must not be pretty enough, smart enough, or loving enough,” are limiting fears and beliefs that magnify your pain. Your partner’s actions reveal what they were lacking—honesty, courage, kindness, emotional maturity—NOT what you were lacking.
Time to Double Down on Practicing Healthy Self-Care
It’s natural to feel overwhelmed, confused, and in shock. Your brain is likely racing, trying to make sense of this new reality. You may want to turn to your partner for comfort, but they are the source of your pain right now, which makes this even harder.
Start by being gentle and kind with yourself.
– Rest as much as you can.
– Eat nourishing foods.
– Avoid excessive alcohol or drugs to try and numb the pain.
– Seek emotional support from grounded, wise people—this could be a trusted friend, family member, or a professional counsellor.
Engage in calming activities like deep breathing, Tapping, yoga, warm baths, or long walks. These practices can help you reconnect with yourself and find moments of peace amidst the hurt and chaos.
Avoid the Details
It’s natural to want to know every detail of their infidelity, but this can make healing even harder. Each detail becomes a potential trigger for future pain. While understanding the big picture may be necessary, avoid diving into the specifics—they will only wound you further.
Hold onto Your Dignity – no one can take that from you.
In the midst of this pain, the one thing you can protect is your dignity. Don’t let their actions define your self-worth. Avoid actions like revenge or excessive drinking that might temporarily numb the pain but could harm your self-respect in the long run.
You are lovable and worthy, just as you are. (Put this one on repeat in your mind!) Speak from a place of vulnerability and sadness, rather than anger or resentment. This doesn’t mean suppressing your feelings—it means expressing them in a way that honors your dignity.
Set Safe Boundaries
It’s tempting to try to “fix” things quickly, but true repair takes time and effort from both partners. Don’t rush into intimacy or try to prove your worth. Instead, focus on setting boundaries that protect your emotional well-being – listen to your body.
If you choose to continue the relationship, your partner must take responsibility for creating a safe and trustworthy environment. This is not your burden to carry alone.
Protect Your Children
If you have children, they may sense your distress even if you try to hide it. It’s okay for them to know you’re upset, but they don’t need to know the details. Reassure them that both parents love them and are working through this as adults.
This is an opportunity to model resilience and mindfulness for your children, showing them how to navigate difficult vulnerable emotions with respect and care.
Don’t Rush Decisions
You are grieving the loss of the trust and relationship you thought you had. This is not the time to make major decisions. Give yourself the space to process your emotions and seek support before deciding on the future of your relationship. You can take all the time you need to heal.
Take Care of Your Health
As difficult as it is, get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. This is an act of self-care and protection.
Seek Professional Support
There is scientific evidence that seeking psychological help within 10 days of a trauma can significantly improve your chances of healing quickly and completely. Many therapists offer emergency sessions for situations like this.
You deserve support right now. Reach out to a trauma-informed relationship therapist who can guide you through this challenging time.
You Can Heal – This will Pass
This pain will not last forever. With time, self-care, and the right support, you can heal and rebuild—whether that’s within your relationship or well out of it.
If you’re struggling to navigate the pain of infidelity, you don’t have to do it alone.
I am Tess Reilly-Browne and I am a trauma-informed relationship therapist who specialises in helping individuals and couples heal from betrayal and rebuild emotionally safe, fulfilling relationships.
Take the first step toward healing by booking an appointment with me today.
You deserve support, understanding, and a path forward.
Appreciation to the photographers …
https://unsplash.com/@kaimantha
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